Do the Next Right Thing

So what is working for me this time around? Well, I think two things are in my favor.
1. My obsession for alcohol has been lifted. I simply, don’t want to drink. I don’t look at is as a solution to any of my problems, in fact, I know it will make any of problem of mine MUCH worse.
2. A simple phrase that I have incorporated into my life – “Do the next right thing.”

You see, so much of my drinking is about my anxiety. My overwhelming anxiety of life. What the hell am I supposed to do when everything is overwhelming? There is so much to do…3 kids, dishes, meals to cook, laundry to do, yardwork to take care of, potty training, the list goes on and on. Oh, and did I mention staying sober while doing all of this? So, my sponsor (its the first time I have ever had one that I actually asked to be my sponsor) gave me the phrase of “Do the next right thing.” Whatever is in front of you, physically or mentally that you can do something about and make the right choice.

Since the obsession with alcohol is gone, I don’t have an alcohol problem – I have a living problem. I don’t know how to live and feel without masking it with some sort of substance. So, how do I live this all new life?

By doing one thing at a time, one moment at a time, all the while asking myself “Is this the right thing to do?” Its been working so far. Try it.

Self Sabatoge

Hi all (if there is anyone left reading),

I have always meant to start blogging again.  But I have always found a way not to.  I’m too busy, its been to long, no one will care, I’m not doing as well as I should have…blah blah blah.

Well here goes.  I realized that I started this blog a year ago, and although I am not in the same (bad) place I was at the time, things are not good.  Here’s your quick update in a nutshell.  I joined Belle’s 100 day challenge, and while I failed the first time, I eventually made it.   Oh, did I mention I got pregnant during the second attempt?  I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in January (who is healthy thank god) and am since on maternity leave.

Did I mention that post partum was one of my triggers for drinking?  Well guess what?  It came back with a vengeance.  The worst its ever been, even though I was more prepared then ever.  Dr had me on meds during the last month of my pregnancy and upped the dose after she was born (I didn’t breast feed because of that – don’t judge).  We dried so many different things and I saw my OB EVERY WEEK after delivery.  At 8 weeks I ended up in the ER on a 72 hour emergency hold because my family thought I tried to kill myself (I didn’t, there was some misunderstanding with medication and stuff) but still, my BAC was .32.  Not the highest I have ever gotten to but still REALLY bad.  I had to stay on the psych ward for 3 days, and let me tell you what – I am happy its there for people that need it, but I didn’t need to see what I saw.  I had people offering me pills (OXY, Perc, etc), men offering me money for sex, you get the point.  I told my family I needed to get the fuck out and they agreed.  But I thought that scared me straight.  Oh no.

My life is just filled with never ending boredom.  My husband said I couldn’t take care of the children (which he is probably right) so they are all in school/daycare.  I am not working, and I live in the middle of nowhere without a car.  He took that away too.  Took the battery out and I am smart enough to figure out how to put it back in.  Took a wheel off, I put if back on.  You get my point.  But now, its over. He took my car away, he took me off all the bank accounts and cut up my credit cards.  All I have left is the computer.  Is this a sign from God?  Probably not, because I found the CC number on some paper and hid it.  Took a taxi and bought booze from my favorite liquor store.  They say addicts are resourceful.

Last night he told me, the next time I drank, he was filing for divorce.  He has said that before, but this time, I know he means it.  I’m so sick from drinking last night and have more and all I want to do is drink to take the sting out of it.  But is that true, or is that the alcoholic in me?

Confused?  Crazy? Thoughts?

I Can Do This

Ahhh…its good to be back. 

I know that I have said this before and I am thinking it now – I should be blogging more.  But, I’m going to stop making excuses for it, and giving you reasons why I haven’t other than this.  Because I have been living.  That’s what I have been doing.  I have been picking up the pieces of my life that was in shambles, and I am putting them all back together (although in a different order probably).  Slowly but surely, sobriety has helped me a assemble a new live – one with things to live for.

In a matter of a couple of months things changed for me.  I went from being a stay at home mom with very limited interaction with others, to working again.  My children are in school and daycare.  I have joined a sobriety based group (not AA).  I have started (slowly) to reconnect with people on a social level.  I went out to dinner with co-workers. 

One more thing has changed.  Did I mention this?

 

This is a picture of a beautiful baby girl…growing in my belly. 

I found out I was pregnant about 2 months after I had gotten sober.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I hadn’t been drinking alcoholically when I got pregnant with my first two children.  This time was different.  I was TERRIFIED.  I’m not going to go into detail, but I seriously considered all of my options.  But in the end, here I am almost 7 months later and still sober.  And not that I have to explain this to many of you – but being pregnant hasn’t kept me sober.  I – me and only me – have stayed sober.  Not that having a human being growing inside of me hasn’t been a great incentive.  But, just like anything else (the love we have for our children, the fear of dying, etc) it sometimes isn’t enough to stay sober. 

I am simply amazed at the fact that I have been sober for this long.  My life isn’t perfect, but it sure is a hell of a lot better than it ever was before.  I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about drinking anymore.  Because I do.  I think about it.  Sometimes I even fantasize about it.  Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I can’t do (insert whatever here) because I don’t drink.  But the difference is, this time around I am able to recognize that all that stuff going on in my head is just a bunch of noise. 

I can drink whenever I want.  I just don’t want to anymore. 

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and support.  Reading your blogs and emails (even when I haven’t been blogging myself) has kept me uplifted in times of fear. 

I can do this.  So can you.

My Life Isn’t Boring

Well, its been a long time since I have blogged.  I don’t know if anyone is still reading.  Heck, I don’t know if many people WERE reading.  But, maybe, someone is still out there.

My life has changed again.  For the better.  One of the biggest reasons that I haven’t blogged in awhile is that I am now working full time.  I am back to doing what I love, after having to step away from it for awhile.  You see – just about a year ago – my life was falling apart.  I was in a cycle of alcoholism that threatened every aspect of my life.  All the balls that I was trying to juggle started to come tumbling down on top of me.  I quit my job.  Abruptly.  I walked away. 

Since then, I have been on a journey of self-discovery.  I would like to say that things started to get better after I quit my job.  They didn’t – in fact, they got much worse.  I don’t know if my drinking worsened because it was just going that way, or because I had less responsibilities.  Either way, it didn’t get better, it got worse.  Well, let me clarify.  The frequency of my drinking dropped dramatically.  I attempted to get sober.  But, my time sober was always limited to at weeks.  I never made it more than 3 weeks at a time.  And, the severity of my drinking increased.  I didn’t drink as often, but when I did drink – it was BAD.  There’s just no other way to say it.  Just plain bad.

Something changed in April.  I had found this wonderful network of sober blogs a few months prior to that, but something in my head changed.  I couldn’t tell you how, or why, or what, but it was different.  I was different.  I suddenly found the strength to keep going – to not cave to the power of alcohol when I would have in the past.  I put one foot in front of the other, and I took it one day at a time.  In fact, at the beginning, I took it one hour at a time.  Hours added up and so did days.  Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into (gasp) months.  Holy shit…I have been sober for MONTHS. 

Its absolutely unbelievable what sobriety has done for me.  For so long during my drinking, I remember thinking “I just want my life back.”  What life that was…I’m not sure.  But I wanted a life that was different that what I was experiencing.  I wanted to LIVE again.  Problem was, when I was drinking, I was trapped in a cycle of focusing all of my energy on drinking and I didn’t have anything left over for life.

Slowly but surely, things began to change.  I am not going to list all of the things that have gotten better since I have been sober – you read all about them in lots of blogs.  But I will say this – my life isn’t boring anymore.  That’s because I have a life, and I am living it.  I have good days and bad days.  I have emotions all over the board at times.  I have gone through periods where I wanted to drink, but I didn’t. 

What has sobriety given me?  Its given me a life – one that I am blessed to have but I never thought was possible.  I couldn’t have done it without all of you.

Life is anything but boring. 

Back to Normal

Well, at least, I think I am.  I am going to start blogging on a regular basis again – I am committing to it.  And hopefully, my mother isn’t reading anymore.  That’s right – I found out my mother was reading my blog.  I started this blog (this is my second one) anonymously after some family members (not my mother) read my first one and tried to use it against me.  I found this place to be just for me, and I didn’t have to worry about being “found out.”

Now, my story is a little different than most.  I am “out” in real life.  My family and friends know that I am an alcoholic.  Well, lets just say, I didn’t do a good job of hiding it.  Well, that an two trips to rehab, a visit or two to detox and a couple nights stay at the local police station didn’t make it very easy to hide.  But my blog, that I did on my own.  Not because I had anything to hide, and not because I wasn’t truthful, but because I could write without having to worry about filtering anything.

I’m have spent my whole life as a people pleaser – always taking care of everyone else.  I worry about what people think and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable.  Since I have been trying to get sober, I have found that a new person is emerging.  Someone who realizes that the only way I am going to get healthy is to worry about me first, and everyone else later.  Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about others, but I don’t worry so much about what other people THINK.  In fact, I love this quote “What other people think of me is really none of my business.”  Perfect.

I digress.  I had mentioned to my family that I was writing a blog and it was really helping.  I thinking I might have even mentioned WordPress at one point and time, but that was it.  Apparently, my mother did some searching and found my blog.  Then she started following it.  I found out while I was visiting them and using their laptop.  Gulp.  Double Gulp.  I started racking my brain about what I might have said about them (nothing negative that I can find) but still.  Geez.  My mother?  Reading my diary?  No thanks.  So I did what any passive aggressive person would do – I asked her to stop reading my blog – in my last post.  She text me the next day and told me she would stop reading.  I didn’t respond.  She didn’t tell me she was reading, I didn’t tell her I found out, so I figured, why start talking about it now?  Ahh…well, whatever.

So, life is getting back to normal.  In fact, a new normal.  I started working this week.  That’s right – after almost a year of staying home with my children (without a car I might add) and now I am back to work.  I get up, take a shower, leave the house and go to work.  I spend 8 plus hours on my own (without my family) before heading back home.  I have the ability to buy alcohol if I want it.  But, I don’t.  I come home and enjoy the evening with my family. 

I feel like a REAL person again and I like it.  I’ve been waiting for this girl to show up for a long time.  I am so glad she is here.  I’m going to do everything in my power to make her stay. 

OMG – I DID IT!!!!!!!

So this is what success feels like.  Sure, there have many time in life when I have found success.  I have set goals and I have achieved them.  I graduated high school, went to college and found a job.  I moved out on my own, got married, bought a house and had children.  My life should have been great.  Except, that it wasn’t.

I have tried to stop drinking for over a year now.  I have wanted to stop, the whole time.  I just couldn’t quite do it.  I tried and I tried, and I tried again.  I was able to stop for a day, a week, 21 days, but I always found my way back to the bottle.  I’ve mentioned it before, but I have done everything I thought I could do to get off the merry-go-round that I was on.  It never seemed like it was enough.

I found myself searching online for sobriety networks (and I am pretty sure I was drinking while I did it) and I found our beloved Belle.  Check her out at Tired of Thinking of Drinking  Its good stuff.  I signed up for her 100 Day Challenge and I tried.  I tried so hard.  I made it 35 days (which was a personal record for me).  But, I couldn’t white knuckle it anymore.  I caved and I drank.  And I did what I have done in the past – I picked myself up, I dusted myself off and I marched on.  And, for some reason, this time it worked. 

So here I am at the end of the challenge – Day 100. Here I am, a little over 3 months later and I am still sober.  Un freaking believable.  So this is what being sober for 100 days feels like.  How is life different?

In every possible way.  I will save all the details for another post.  Because right now, I am in the middle of a vacation with my family.  I’m in the middle of an amazing 6 day vacation with the 3 people that I love the most in this world.  A vacation that would not be happening if I was drinking. 

This life, this life that I have right now, is truly a miracle.  Thank you for being a part of it.

Cha Cha Changes

Things, they are a changing around here.  Life changes at a moments notice, and my gosh, it has in my world.  For the first time in a very long time, these changes are within my control and they are things that I WANT to happen. 

It was a little more than a year ago that my world fell apart.  In May 2012, I decided to enter inpatient treatment.  This took me away from my job, my family, my children and my home.  The summer that followed was one of uncertainty.  I never knew if I was going to be sober or not, where I was going to be living (sleeping) and if my husband was going to be talking to me.  I couldn’t tell you when I was going to see my children, and how many of our normal summer activities would actually include me.  It was the summer from hell. 

After that summer (and another trip to rehab), all I craved was normalcy.  Not that I had a clue as to what normal was.  I resigned from my teaching job and spent the last year staying home with my children.  The year has definitely had its ups and downs – similar to the previous summer.  But finally, things started to change. 

I signed up for the 100 Day Challenge.  I gave it a good old fashioned try, and failed after 35 days.  I picked myself back up and started again.  I started blogging.  I found more blogs to follow and fully immersed myself in this attempt to get sober.  Something miraculous happened.  Sober hours turned into days.  Days turned into weeks.  Weeks became months.  Gasp….and I am almost to Day 100.  Just a few more days.

I took another leap of faith and considered going back to work.  I applied for a job back in June on a whim, and I didn’t get it.  But, I was asked to come back for a second interview.  Yesterday, the school offered me a job.  A great job.  A job in my town – no more commute!  A job that pays more than my previous job.  A job with great benefits.  A job that I never thought I wanted and never thought I would be able to get.  An amazing job.

Last week I was thinking about how wonderful this summer has been.  It has been normal.  We have done normal family things.  I have played outside with my kids.  We have had barbeques on the deck.  We have gone camping.  The kids and I have gone swimming and for bikes rides.  We are going on our first vacation as a family of 4 – we leave tomorrow.  Things that NEVER would have happened if I hadn’t make the choice to stop drinking.  Its been a hell of a lot of work – but the results speak for themselves. 

Last week I thought my life would continue just has it has been for the last few months.  My little girl would go off to kindergarten next month and I would be staying home with the baby boy.  Yesterday brought a lot of changes for the direction my life is taking.  Wonderful, exciting changes. 

I’ve said it before but I will say it again.  I never thought I would be able to stop drinking.  I am so glad that I was wrong about that.

Another Set of Firsts

This sober thing is actually kind of fun.  No, seriously, I am having fun at the same time as I am sober.  Hmmm, what a novel idea.  Don’t get me wrong – I have some bad days.  Some really crappy ones.  But, even the crappy ones are better than the ones I was having while I was drinking.  On the bad days, I find myself heading to bed earlier, hiding under the covers with whatever book I am reading.  I turn out the light and I drift off to sleep.  I get a full night’s sleep and I wake up without a hangover.  Not so bad in my book.

I am choosing to focus on the positives.  There are some bad things going on in my life.  There are people who don’t like me and others who obviously can’t get over the fact that I am an alcoholic.  There are times when memories of things I have done that I am less than proud of somehow enter my mind.  I often think of the mountain that stands in front of me that I still have to climb.  I worry about money, my children, my marriage, and my future.  But, I also am able to push these negative thoughts aside.  Because focusing on the positive things is what helps me cope with life – without a drink in my hand.

I have done a lot of things sober for the first time.  Most of them have gone better than I expected them too.  There are a few things that have been hard – like really fucking hard, but I have made it through them without drinking.  I have a whole new set of firsts coming up in the not so distant future.

My brother is coming for a visit tomorrow.  He is VERY supportive, but it is hard for me to be around people that I have constantly disappointed in the past.  I’m sure there will be “serious talk” and quite frankly, I am sick of talking about my disease.  Not here – I love blogging and talking about it.  But in my real life, I just want some good old fashioned normalcy.  My life was so out of whack for so long and we talked about my disease for so long, I just want the focus to be off me.  I just want to talk about the weather, the kids, the trashy reality TV show, whatever. 

I’m also going on vacation on Wednesday.  My husband and I, along with the kids are going on our first vacation as a family of 4 – ever.  Problem is – we are going with his family.  You know, the ones that aren’t my biggest fans right now.  Most of these people have been really nice and supportive to my face as of late, but turns out, not so much behind my back.  We really thought about not going at all, but there were several factors that caused us to keep our plans.  We have scraped out some time for just ourselves and we have decided if it gets bad – we will just pack up and leave.  That sounds like a backup plan I can live with.

I’m also trying to get a job.  I haven’t worked in over a year, and I’m kind of on the fence about going back to work.  Part of me loves staying home with the kids – plus its safe.  But, it also comes with its own stressors.   I have a second interview tomorrow morning.  I’ve just decided if it is meant to be, it will be.

I’m headed in the right direction and I am focusing on the positives in my life.  Like the fact that I haven’t needed to pick up a drink in 93 days.  Life doesn’t get much better than that.

I Am So Tired Of This

Sobriety is exhausting, especially early sobriety.  Of course, I am telling you something that you probably already know.  Anyone that has tried and actually succeed at getting sober will understand how much energy it takes.  Physical energy, emotional energy, spiritual energy.  It took so much energy to drink – I often felt like I had a second full time job.  The planning, the hiding, the sneaking, the drinking, the clean up, the recovery, the hangover – it was brutal.  So, you would think that now that I don’t have to do any of that anymore, I would have a lot more time and energy on my hands.  I do have a lot more time, but I don’t have very much energy left. 

Getting sober is hard – really hard.  If it was easy – I don’t think we would have our wonderful little corner of the blogging world that I am so proud to be a member of.  The first few days and weeks were awful.  I seriously didn’t think that I was going to make it.  In fact, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to fall (jump) off of the wagon.  But, I never did.  I found myself using all of the tools that I learned in the past.  When I wanted to drink – I did something.  If that didn’t work, I did something again.  I did more and more until something worked.  And it always did.  The feelings and the urges always passed.  Sometimes it was excruciating and other times not so much. 

All of this work takes energy.  I am doing everything I can not to drink.  Between that and my daily obligations and living – caring for the children, making sure I eat, shower and brush my teeth – I don’t have much energy left.  I find myself excited to go to bed and sleeping completely through the night.  I used to wake up several times a night – usually in an anxiety ridden panic – often wondering what the hell happened last night.  I never have to face that again.  I can remember what happened yesterday.  I don’t have to make sure to have water and painkillers next to my bed because I know that I won’t be able to get up with them. 

There’s other things in my life that are requiring my energy and attention.  Things that I simply don’t want to deal with.  People that I don’t want to deal with.  Shit that I shouldn’t have to deal with right now.  So its time to make some choices.  Time to think about me for awhile.  I realize that alcoholism is a selfish disease, but alcoholics don’t tend to be selfish by nature.  I am not going to worry about pleasing other people or doing what is popular right now.  I don’t care about repairing some relationships.  I think those relationships are meant to stay broken.  I’m okay with that. 

Sobriety is exhausting.  I have made myself a priority list.  Some things are at the top of the list.  Some people, places and things didn’t even make it onto the paper.  I’m using my energy wisely.  I’m so tired.  But not tired enough to drink.  I have just enough energy to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Mission Accomplished!!!

Yep, that’s right.  I just returned from a wonderful camping trip with my family and I did it SOBER!!!  Since I have gotten sober, this is one of two situations that I have been worried about.  The first was a little over a month ago when I flew for the first time without drinking.  I sailed through that no problem, but this was my second experience with the danger zone.  Not that I haven’t camped sober before, but it has been a long time.

My husband and I took the two kiddos on a weekend trip with our camper.  Did I mention that we went with his family?  That’s where the danger kicked in.  Not to go into it AGAIN, but his family has not exactly been supportive of me in my last journey into sobriety.  In fact, they have been quite hurtful and sabotaging in some instances.  This would be the first time that I saw any of them in three months.  I was quite nervous the whole day before we left.  I tried to keep myself busy but my mind kept wandering back to the bad place.

We arrived at the campground and the only people that were there were my man’s parents.  They were very happy to see the kids and both of them greeted me with a hug.  After 5 minutes, everything felt normal.  They seemed happy to see me and treated me very similar to the way they used to.  It seemed genuine, so I decided to go with it.  The cousins arrived an hour later and that went great.  Finally, the last people to arrive were his aunt and uncle.  These are the people that have been the harshest towards me.  They are the ones I am holding a grudge against.  They approached me and tried to “play nice” and act like nothing had happened, and I was determined to stay pissed.  I held my tongue and tried to let my body language do the talking.  I should have known myself better than that – it didn’t last long.

I pride myself in being a positive person and I always try to see the good in people.  I have a hard time staying mad for very long – even with my husband who really knows how to get under my skin.  I will get pissed at him for something that deserves my anger, and then 15 minutes later I feel guilty for getting mad.  Whatever.  So, my heart warmed towards these people.  I began talking with them like I used to.  Several times I found myself trying to “stay mad” but it took too much work.  I realized that holding on to anger takes energy.  I don’t have very much extra energy.  I am using it all to stay sober.

Am I hurt by what these people did to me?  Yes.  Do I think that I deserved it?  No.  Do I want to stay mad at them?  I’m not sure.  But I do know that I don’t have time for that crap.  I said something to Belle when I was in my first week of trying to get sober.  It was something along these lines “I am doing everything that I can to stay sober.  I am constantly fighting this voice who tells me to drink.  I don’t have any extra room in my head for people or things that try to get in my way of staying sober.”

I don’t have any extra room in my head.  My head is less noisy than it was a few months ago.  I don’t have that nagging voice whispering (sometimes yelling) in my head ALL THE TIME.  But, I still have many thoughts and feelings that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I am learning how to live without alcohol.  I am learning how to feel (good and bad) without alcohol.  I am trying to repair a relationship with my husband and continue to nurture one with my children.  I’m working on putting my life back together.  I just don’t have any extra room in my head for negative things.

I made it through the whole weekend without drinking.  In fact, I never once wished that I could have a drink like the rest of the people there.  I was happy to sit around the fire with eh group and sip on my soda.  I was happy to wake up in the morning without a hangover.  I was happy to spend time with the people that I love and do something that I love.

I guess I would call that a successful weekend.